Like You've Never Done This (or that, or that)

1. Just after my second child was born we found ourselves at Walmart on a jam-packed Saturday night. Must have been date night because we were in the music section. Since the baby was so new we of course had brought him along (of course). He was riding shotgun in the carseat carrier in the seat of the cart. Those car seats sure are tall. All of a sudden my husband says, "Whoa, honey, watch out!" I look over the baby to see that I'm pushing a woman in a wheelchair with the cart.

I'm still waiting to receive a dirtier look than the one she gave me.

2. Very recently, while my husband was out of town, I had the supreme pleasure of herding all of my cats to church. Wait, I mean my children. Like any practical woman with 3 kids and no help, I nursed the baby before leaving the house.

I should note here that I did not buy nursing bras after this baby. Instead I bought faux nursing bras. Faux in that the strap detaches at the top of the cup, but it wasn't actually designed for nursing. Works for me.

So halfway through Sunday School, in my skirt and white button down shirt (yeah, you can see where this is going), the baby decides she needs just a little more. I go into the mother's room and discover that the right cup of my bra is still folded down. Nursing pad and garments are covering the pertinent parts, but I have been wandering around with my own little show going on and not realizing it.

Why didn't anyone tell me? Is it a bigger social faux pas to inform the wanderer that they're half-dressed than to be the wanderee?

And just because I believe in decorating in odd numbers, here's a third story.

3. In Relief Society one Sunday I was substituting as chorister. We had a fine opening song, a very serious lesson, and now it's time for the closing song. The pianist (who chose the songs we were singing) struggles through the introductory notes, and we start singing. Or we would have if anyone had ever heard this song before.

You know how people mumble when they don't know the words? This was worse. Not only did no one know the words, no one could follow the music either because the pianist didn't know what she was playing. Halfway through the first verse I started laughing, and then the pianist did. We tried several times to start again but we just couldn't connect. By this time everyone in RS is laughing too hard to get through the song. Kindly, one of the little old ladies in the 2nd row finally suggested that we just call it good.

I've always thought that when people leave social situations they tend to think about how they acted and what they said more than what anyone else said or did. Except this time. They were still talking about this the following week.

In real life, I provide the comic relief.