Like You've Never Done This (or that, or that)

1. Just after my second child was born we found ourselves at Walmart on a jam-packed Saturday night. Must have been date night because we were in the music section. Since the baby was so new we of course had brought him along (of course). He was riding shotgun in the carseat carrier in the seat of the cart. Those car seats sure are tall. All of a sudden my husband says, "Whoa, honey, watch out!" I look over the baby to see that I'm pushing a woman in a wheelchair with the cart.

I'm still waiting to receive a dirtier look than the one she gave me.

2. Very recently, while my husband was out of town, I had the supreme pleasure of herding all of my cats to church. Wait, I mean my children. Like any practical woman with 3 kids and no help, I nursed the baby before leaving the house.

I should note here that I did not buy nursing bras after this baby. Instead I bought faux nursing bras. Faux in that the strap detaches at the top of the cup, but it wasn't actually designed for nursing. Works for me.

So halfway through Sunday School, in my skirt and white button down shirt (yeah, you can see where this is going), the baby decides she needs just a little more. I go into the mother's room and discover that the right cup of my bra is still folded down. Nursing pad and garments are covering the pertinent parts, but I have been wandering around with my own little show going on and not realizing it.

Why didn't anyone tell me? Is it a bigger social faux pas to inform the wanderer that they're half-dressed than to be the wanderee?

And just because I believe in decorating in odd numbers, here's a third story.

3. In Relief Society one Sunday I was substituting as chorister. We had a fine opening song, a very serious lesson, and now it's time for the closing song. The pianist (who chose the songs we were singing) struggles through the introductory notes, and we start singing. Or we would have if anyone had ever heard this song before.

You know how people mumble when they don't know the words? This was worse. Not only did no one know the words, no one could follow the music either because the pianist didn't know what she was playing. Halfway through the first verse I started laughing, and then the pianist did. We tried several times to start again but we just couldn't connect. By this time everyone in RS is laughing too hard to get through the song. Kindly, one of the little old ladies in the 2nd row finally suggested that we just call it good.

I've always thought that when people leave social situations they tend to think about how they acted and what they said more than what anyone else said or did. Except this time. They were still talking about this the following week.

In real life, I provide the comic relief.

Things I've Called My Landlord About

- The time that the laundry room smelled like bacon.
- The time that the hot water heater wasn't working.
- The time that the knobs on the washer and dryer broke.
- The time that the grass was so long it was going to seed.
- The time we had brown water coming into the washing machine.
- The time the garage door was bouncing.
- The time the garage door wouldn't work.
- The time that the stairwell light wasn't working.
- The time that the smoke alarms kept going off.
- The time that I was worried about mold in the basement.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.
- The time that we had a flood.

I realize some of these make me look stupid, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I will tell you that the bacon smell stumped the landlord too. He's a builder and was calling his electrician, the plumber, everyone to see if they could think of what the smell could be coming from. Everybody's first question was, "Is she COOKING bacon?". Umm, I'm not THAT stupid. Since we couldn't figure it out he just said to let him know if it got worse. Then he went next door to ask the neighbors about something unrelated and discovered that the smell was from some extremely strong sausage that they were cooking (the laundry rooms and kitchens match up in our duplex).

We gave the landlord a box of bacon for Christmas that year.

I'm not a TOTAL copycat, I did scrounge up my own quotes

These are random movie quotes from movies I liked. Most of them I've seen more than once - and quite a few of the quotes I use in real life. Hopefully you've seen some of them too or this is gonna be lame. You tell me which movie they came from....see, it's a game! Uh, but no prize - just the feeling of a job well done. Good luck!

1. It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable. - Pride & Prejudice
2. I do not wear shoes, they make me fall down. - The Birdcage
3. There's no crying in baseball! - A League of Their Own
4. I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place. - Ocean's 11
5. Good times - noodle salad. - As Good As It Gets
6. Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs. - Die Hard
7. What we need is a plan. A p-l-a-n. - Sgt. Bilko
8. I said "IF". - Cinderella
9. Way to go I-da-ho! - Toy Story
10. If all the animals on the equator were capable of flattery, then Thanksgiving and Halloween would fall on the same date. - Ocean's 12
11. I'll be by the second palm tree on the left. The usual palm tree. - An Ideal Husband
12. I don't want to go on the cart! - Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail
13. ...picked up the dagger, ran down the hall, and stabbed the cook. - Clue
14. Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter. - Napolean Dynamite
15. Did you think that was fast? I thought that was fast. Well, was it? - Maverick

Just Reinforcing the Belief

I've had weird dreams all my life: I've robbed the food court at the mall, and then felt so guilty that I tried to give all the money back before they could arrest me; I've beat the crap out of multiple people; I've been able to run/jump so well that my feet only touched the ground at each telephone pole; I've been eaten by a mechanical spider; Dinosaurs have visited me; My teeth have fallen out; I've startled myself awake before by screaming or shaking; the list goes on and on.

But never, NEVER, until last night have I physically hurt myself while sleeping. This was not just that I slept wrong and was sore somewhere...no, no, that would be too normal. No, I was dreaming about smacking someone behind me in the face (violent dreams, I know) and my arm responded and my hand hit the headboard and now my hand is bruised below my thumb. It's also a little swollen and very sore.

The majority of you already knew I was weird, right? And for those of you who didn't....don't judge me - you haven't been translated yet either. :)

Opportunity Lost

I have made a new friend who is moving away. The very sad part is that we could have been friends for three years, but have only very recently discovered how much we have in common and how much we like each other. Between her shyness and my "putting on a good face" for people (don't start, I'm trying to fix the problem), we have wasted almost three years of what would have been a fantastic friendship. I fully intend to keep in touch with her, and I have a feeling I will count her among my dearest friends, but it makes me upset that we did this - and I know it bothers her too.

I am going to try harder to reach out to people, because this is a lesson I don't want to repeat. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and have a friend - so if I have to be the one to reach out, then I will. But if I reach out to you, will you do me a favor and reach back and meet me halfway? So much easier all around.

Thanks to the ladies for a great girls night last night - it's the longest one I've had in a while. Sheena, I expect a blog link very, very soon. And I will miss you, my friend.

My Favorite Commercial Ever

Thanks to SuperSix4 for clueing me in...whoever you are.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb

I can't figure out how to post a video from You Tube. Could you clue me in?

Chicken? Why, Yes I Am

Yesterday we helped my parents spread 4 yards of bark around. Afterward, dad suggested we take out the motorcycle and spend some time together.

HA. HA. HA. (Did you see the title of this post?)

Ryan didn't need to be asked twice, and since I'm trying not to be boring or vanilla I played along like it sounded like fun. While Ryan got the bike ready I snuck back in and told my mom where to find our wills. Just to be clear, I have no doubt about Ryan's ability to drive the motorcycle....it's all the other crazies on the road that I worry about. Dad wanted us to go out to the casino in Idaho (backroads all the way, very pretty), but we ended up just running down to Freeman and then back up Dishman-Mica for a fairly short ride. Turns out all that hiking Ryan did in field camp is wreaking havoc on his hips, so the ride wasn't that comfortable for him.

The biggest surprise is that I actually had a good time (and even relaxed enough to enjoy it and not lean the opposite way when we turned) by the end of the ride. So we'll probably do it again sometime. Plus, mom already knows where the wills are. ;)

I'm a Copycat

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. Thanks!

Now, no one is required to play in order to read my blog. Just thought it might be fun.

P.S. nothing too personal, this is a family sight you know! :)

RYAN IS HOME!!!!!

So I won't be blogging for a little while.....:)

I screwed around with my background and lost all my links, so if you don't see your name or site on the right and you want it there, leave a comment and I'll add you in.

Yes, I know it's still the same background. Why mess with perfection?

5 Pet Peeves: not necessarily the most annoying of all time, just the most annoying currently

1. People who take the sacrament with their left hand. (Check this out if you think I'm silly) - scroll down to the 2nd question.

2. People who talk OVER you.

3. Punctuality - I'm for it.

4. People that try to make me feel stupid because they don't understand what I'm saying.

5. People who use "always" and "never" as qualifying terms when they mean "sometimes".

I know I have issues with "people". This is why it's good that I don't work out there in the "real" world - I don't get along well with others. That is to say, I get along well with people that I enjoy and choose to be around, but I've never had a job where I got to choose who to be around. Although the last time I actually held a job was 6 years ago, so maybe things have changed.

Don't hold your breath.

I Really, Really Love My Kids

I got inspired a couple of months ago by Kendra's post of the things her kids said that she remembered to write down. And lest we forget that this is a "family" blog, here's my own, much shorter list:

I don't know the date for this first one, but Caden was about 4:
Caden (saying the prayer for dinner): Dear Heavenly Father, To Infinity and Beyond,...

5/15/08
Lincoln (after singing Wheels on the Bus): You're a mommy!
Me: You're right
Lincoln: I'm a kid - I'm all growed up!

Lincoln: I want to play My Little Spy

Caden reading from Highlights magazine: When is a dog's tail like a farmer's cart?
Dad: I don't know, when?
Caden: When it's a waggin' ha ha ha!
Dad: Do you get it?
Caden: Yeah, do you get it?

Lincoln pointing at the moon: There's the Earth

5/19/08
Me: We have to go home and get ready for Kimber
Lincoln: So you can go run?
Me: Yeah
Lincoln: Run for your lives?

5/21/08
Me: Lincoln, come here, I want to check your teeth
Lincoln: My teeth can't shine!

5/22/08
Lincoln: What kind of chicken is that?
Me (cutting up chicken): It's raw chicken, don't touch it.
Lincoln (running to the table): YUM! We're having raw chicken!

5/25/08
Lincoln: Ow! My bum hurts!
Me: Your bum hurts? We should probably change you.
Lincoln: No! There's marshmallows in there!

5/26/08
Lincoln: I want to touch the clouds.

6/1/08
Caden to Lincoln: Your breath smells like rotten cheese!

Caden to our friend Dave: That's ball-pit-in-the-ocean funny!

6/13/08
Caden: Where did you go for your date?
Me: We went out to dinner
Caden: Where?
Me: Outback
Caden: Outback where?

Me to Lincoln (after his shower): Are you all clean now?
Lincoln: Yeah, and shiny!

6/15/08
Lincoln (during dinner, Dad holding Aile): Can Aile have some?
Me: No, she doesn't eat food. What does she eat?
Lincoln: Milk - from your thingy's.

6/18/08
Lincoln (pointing at a picture): What's that?
Me: It's a bat
Lincoln: Bats are scary. It have a pig nose.

7/1/08
Grandpa to Lincoln: Do you want me to give Annabelle a squirt bottle and let her squirt you?
Lincoln: NO
Annabelle: Well it's gonna happen anyway!
(admittedly not my kid, but still very funny)

Caden: I know how to say yellow in spanish: Armadillo!

7/8/08
Lincoln (after passing gas): Excuse my bum. My bum burps!

Lincoln: I'm hungry
Me: Me too. What are you going to cook for breakfast?
Lincoln: I don't cook, you're the grown up, you cook the cereal!

Lincoln: Can I have a cookie?
Caden: Yeah, today I need to lower my sugars a little bit.

7/10/08
Lincoln (outside in the wind): Can you turn off the wind thingy?

I promise to post shorter posts in the future...just keep commenting! I'm finding my self-esteem tied into comments in a most depressing fashion - and after several posts with high quantities of comments (well, high for me) I've become an addict. Am I the only one who gets like this? It's probably just me. Is it? Yes, it's just me. Right? You don't have this problem do you? No, it's probably just me.

Horses Sweat, Men Perspire, Women Glow

Yesterday we had another flood in the basement, so my dad came to the rescue with a big shop-vac and a big fan. He stayed and hung out with us and did a lot of the clean up for me, for which I am very grateful. I tell you there's nothing quite like stepping out of the shower to the sound of the flood alarm and running into raw sewage wearing nothing but a towel. Caden and Lincoln were so helpful - they turned the TV up so that they could hear their show over the shrieking alarm. SO HELPFUL.

Caden's been riding a little bike that he's had since he was three and the training wheels needed to be adjusted, so my dad my hero, took the bike and the two boys to his house to fix them. Then he took us all out to dinner - wahoo! (I love to eat out - I have a very unhealthy relationship with food = treat, anyway...)

This morning I adjusted the seat on Caden's bike, and even all the way up he couldn't extend his leg out to get enough power to ride on the grass. Since I am such an awesome mom I said, "let's go get a new bike." My kid actually complained about this for five minutes. I had to convince him that he would like a new bike as much as the old one, that as we grow we need bigger things, blah, blah, blah.

We hop in the car and go to Toys R Us and he picks out a bike that he can live with (and more importantly, that we can afford - ha!), and we get training wheels, the bike assembled, the whole shebang. We pay, get out to the car, and the stupid thing won't fit into the back of the car. I tried everyway I could to get it to fit, but short of laying the backseat down (which I can't do 'cause of the three kids sitting in it) the stupid bike is not going in.

But I'm resilient, I figure it will fit in the front passenger seat - after all, no one's sitting there. I finally do manage to wrestle it in there, never mind that it's halfway in the drivers seat. I go around and get in the car and Lincoln says I haven't buckled him. Back around I go and buckle him up. Have I mentioned it's like 10:30 am and boiling outside? I'm glowing like a pig. Okay, so we finally get going and I manage to get us home.

By the way, ALL of the roads around my house are torn up and closed off because they're putting in sewer lines - so we have like a 9 mile detour to get anywhere. I'm not exaggerating - 9 FREAKIN' MILES!

We get the bike out and I'm handy, so I'm putting together the training wheels and then go out to put them on the bike, and I can't make them fit. I called my dad - Hero Extrordinaire. He comes over and he can't make them fit either (which made me feel a little bit better - it wasn't just me).

WARNING: Do NOT buy a chinese bicycle and american training wheels; they are NOT compatible.

I got ready to take the training wheels back to the store and try to find some others that would fit, when Ryan called. He said Caden doesn't need training wheels, so we went over to the church to give him some space to practice - Caden needs training wheels. I take Aile and do the running around. By now it's about 3:00 pm, I'm sticky with glow and the kids have been driving me crazy, traffic's a witch with a capital 'B', and I'm hanging by a thread.

I finally get home, my dad put the new training wheels on (which still barely fit), Caden got to ride his new bike, everything worked out great. But the process - HOLY COW.

It may be my own fault though, I think I prayed for patience when Ryan left.

Okay, in an effort to get thin, my blog now has a "Sista From Another Mista". Check it out and join in if you want to - this is my way of being accountable to someone.....y'all.

Please tell me that I'm not like this. If you read it, you'll notice it's satire - completely making fun of people who are like that. And I guess I'm feeling a little insecure because I totally do like some of the things that she's making fun of....I think it's fun when people get creative with announcing pregnancies, and I LOVE TWILIGHT, and what's wrong with posting pics of your kids? I do get it, I do, I just don't want to be what she's talking about.

And if I really am like that, at least I have better grammar and know how to spell. ;)

Men Should Look Away, NOW!

Seriously, look away. You really don't want to read this. Okay, but you've been warned!

I'm fat. Just to get that out of the way. Whew! They say that admitting you have a problem is the hardest step (I don't think so, I think taking the weight off is the hardest step.) I've passed the demure title of overweight and now fall squarely into fat. Since the time that I've been married I have at most 3 or 4 times found the resolve to lose weight - then I'd get pregnant or have some kind of emotional stress and put it right back on.

But here's the deal: Ryan has one year of school left for his BS and he wants to go right into his masters, and he's looking at several different schools one of which is WWU in Bellingham, just down the road from where I grew up. Now, I don't care if we move to Arizona and new people get to know me and I'm still the size I am now - because that's all they'll know. But I reeeally don't want to move back to Bellingham and run into someone I used to know when I was a size 6 looking like I do now.

(music to You're So Vain starts playing)

Someone I Used To Know: Oh, is that Valerie (last name here)?

Me: Yes, yes it is.

Someone I Used to Know: Wow! I hardly recognized you (looking me up and down).

Me: Ummm.....

Someone I Used to Know: You really have changed over the years, haven't you?! (staring at my muffin-top)

Me: Well.....

Someone I Used to Know: I'll have to tell my son (you used to date) that I saw you and how different you look now! 'Bye! (Translation: Boy, will he ever be glad he married a woman who cares about her appearance and hasn't let herself go.)

Fortunately for me, Someone I Used to Know is fatter than me so I can leave with my self-esteem intact, only a little bruised.

So, help me find my resolve (and I'm not talkin' carpet cleaner) because I don't want to have that conversation, and it really is uncomfortable when nothing fits, and a muffin-top looks good on no one. What's worked for you in the past or currently? Or just keep leaving me comments addressed to "Fatty, Fatty, two-by-four".

I think what I really need is someone to email me everyday and make me responsible. I've tried assigning this to Ryan in the past and it doesn't go over that well, because even though I told him to say things to me, it makes me mad when he says the things I told him to say. Can you believe it? Any takers? Uh huh, didn't think so.

Apparently, I have selective vanity.

I miss my husband. A lot. I miss talking to him in person because we have hardly anything to say on the phone (mostly because he's afraid of scaring me with whatever things they're doing with/on/around/in rocks - but we carry a lot of insurance so it's okay*. A LOT of insurance). I miss the little things that he does, like take out the garbage and recycling once a week, and pick up the dirty diapers that have just been thrown into the garage, and clean up the yard without me saying anything, and wrestling with the boys, and holding the baby so I can have 2 freakin' minutes to myself. But I think what I miss most of all is the illusion of help - when he is gone I can no longer believe that the dish-fairy is going to come and clean up my kitchen, or that the discipline-dude is going to yell at my kids so I don't have to; it's all on me.

All day.

Everyday.

And all night.

Never ending.

No breaks.

This is starting to sound like a pity party so I'm going to quit and go read. Please remember that misery loves company, so don't leave me "feel better" comments. If you comment it better be along the line of "yeah, that blows..."

Kendra - tell me you feel my pain. Or am I the only one who puts the kids to bed and eats cookies 'til it makes me want to puke?

*for those of you who think I am callous and insensitive - I take comfort in the fact that we are sealed forever. And I would be lost without him...this is that whole sarcasm thing we were talking about, remember?